11th January 2017 at 9:04pm

Welcome to the Acme Corporation Business Processes Wiki. On this site you will find all the information you need to survive your tenure at the company without making stupid mistakes that your colleagues will mock you mercilessly for.

Business Processes


Mandatory Training

Non-Mandatory Training

Booking to Project Codes

11th January 2017 at 9:00pm

Every employee must carefully record how they spend their time (to the nearest 7.14 minutes) and enter the information into SAP at the beginning of every business week. Naturally, at the beginning of the week employees will not necessarily be able to anticipate how they will be spending their time. The Senior Management Team realise that employees find this difficult, but that is the process, and the process is more important than you.

When you begin work on a project, the Project Manager should issue you with a booking code for the work you do. If not, it is your responsibility as an employee to send the PM a series of increasingly passive-aggressive e-mails until a code is provided.

When not working directly for a project, use one of the following codes:

  • 0001: "Business development"
  • 0002: Annual leave (unpaid)
  • 0003: Sick leave (unpaid)
  • 0004: Duvet day (unpaid unless member of Senior Management Team)
  • 0005: Coffee break
  • 0006: Tea break
  • 0007: Cigarette break
  • 0008: Whisky break
  • 0009: Cocaine break
  • 0010: Toilet break
  • 0011: Toilet break (after initial 7.14 minutes)
  • 0012: YouTube break

You will be sacked for using any of the above codes.

Fire Awareness

11th January 2017 at 9:02pm

Fire Awareness training is mndatory for all employees and must be refreshed every two years.

The training follows a simple format, and is intended to ensure that you are aware of fire. The session begins with a PowerPoint presentation to numb your senses and recreate the frame of mind you are normally in during the course of your working day. Following this, you will automatically be doused with paraffin and set alight. If you become aware of fire withhin the first five minutes or so, you are deemed to be suitably aware of fire, and thus you pass the course. If you are not aware of the fire by the five minute mark, you are probably already dead. Death in Service benefits will be allocated to your next of kin.

Tea and coffee are provided, though bear in mind that they will boil rapidly as the temperature in the room rises.

Hire Car Bookings

11th January 2017 at 9:02pm

Employees needing to travel off-site for meetings will be allocated a hire car provided the following conditions are met:

  • The journey is more than 50 miles
  • The journey is less than 51 miles
  • The sun is in Aquarius
  • A duck is installed in the passenger seat at all times (other human passengers must use the back seats or parcel shelf)

The hire car you receive will depend on your Career Level, according to the following scheme:

  • Level 10: Aston Martin DB9
  • Level 9: Vauxhall Vectra
  • Level 8: Rusty 1982 Robin Reliant
  • Level 7: Rusty 1982 Robin Reliant
  • Level 6: Rusty 1982 Robin Reliant
  • Level 5: Rusty 1982 Robin Reliant
  • Level 4: Rusty 1982 Robin Reliant (with oil leak)
  • Level 3: Rusty 1982 Robin Reliant (one wheel missing)
  • Level 2: Rusty 1982 Robin Reliant (all wheels missing)
  • Level 1: Roller skates

Note that you may not pawn your Robin Reliant or attempt to exchange it for a bicycle.

Manual Handling

11th January 2017 at 9:02pm

Manual Handling training is compulsory for all employees, and must be refreshed every two years.

The purpose of Manual Handling training is to ensure that you, the employee, can be manually handled. During your training, two security guards will roleplay the process of you being escorted from the building, beginning by forcefully lifting you by both arms, and ending with a replica P45 being shoved down your throat as you are thrown out of the door.

Ensure that the security guards lift you by bending at the knees, not the waist.

Off-the-job Training

11th January 2017 at 9:01pm

"Off-the-job" training is provided for employees when their training needs involve a course or other programme of work that cannot be incorporated into their normal working patterns.

Before requesting this type of training, consider a studious programme of On-the-job Training. If this is unsuccessful, employees can put in an off-the-job training request to their line manager. Within 5-10 working days, their manager will then decide that if the employee does not have the skills required to do their job, they should not have been hired in the first place. The employee will then be sacked.

On-the-job Training

11th January 2017 at 9:01pm

On-the-job training will be provided on an ad-hoc basis by the employee wishing to be trained.

Generally, the process begins with the employee way out of their depth attempting something they have no idea how to do. The employee then trains themselves "on the job" by making it up as they go along. If the employee is successful in this endeavour, they are now considered "trained". If they are unsuccessful, they are now considered "sacked".

Recording Flexible Working Hours

11th January 2017 at 9:00pm

Every employee who takes advantage of Acme Corp.'s Flexible Working Hours scheme must submit their FWH details at the end of each week. The process is as follows:

  • Open the Flexible Working Hours recording form
  • Realise you can't remember what time you arrived or left any day this week
  • Make up some numbers. Ensure that they are accurate
  • Round each time to the nearest 7.14 minutes, to ensure compatibility with SAP
  • E-mail a copy of your completed form to your line manager
  • Print out a copy and send it to HR
  • Fax a copy to Head Office
  • Telex a copy to the year 1987
  • Engrave a copy on stone tablets as a warning for generations to come

Ensure that you complete the process correctly. Employees submitting timesheets incorrectly will be publicly humiliated during the next weekly staff briefing.

Please note that whilst the moon is in the waxing crescent phase, staff must complete their timesheet for the next week rather than the previous one.

Submitting Expense Claims

11th January 2017 at 9:03pm

As an employee, Acme Corp. does not trust you enough to issue you with a company credit card. Thus, when travelling on business, you must make purchases using your own money, then claim the money back through the expenses procedure.

All expense claims must be accompanied by a valid VAT receipt. If your purchase does not incur VAT, you will not have a VAT receipt and thus your expense claim will be rejected. For this reason we suggest you avoid public transport. However, you may take a taxi journey of any length without issues - a small piece of card with indecipherable handwriting scrawled on it will be accepted as a valid taxi receipt.

If you are travelling abroad, you must submit one expense claim form for each currency you use. If remaining in the UK, you must also use a separate form for expenses paid for in that weird Scottish money, and another form again for expenses incurred in Wales, which we refuse to believe isn't a separate country.

All claim forms must be signed by the employee, the employee's line manager, the manager of the project to which the expenses are charged, and Zar'kel, God of Expense Claims.